Mary the Paralegal

Season 1 Episode 19
April 24, 2006

What. Up.

You know why I love awards ceremonies? Cuz everyone suits up. Except the ladies. They take off the suits and put on the tiny dresses. I love awards ceremonies. My friend Robin just won a Local Area Media Award, and I set my friend Ted up with a date for the evening.

Now, was Ted's blind date, who I got for him to make Robin jealous and make Ted a man:
a. a prostitute
b. a paralegal
c. actually a dude

Despite what Ted thought, she was REALLY a paralegal. Wouldn't have been too surprising if she wasn't since, statistic: 1 out of 8 women in America is a prostitute. It's true.

Lesson learned from the night though: treat every woman as if she is a sure thing and you know you can have her, and you can have her. Unless you are me. Then you aren't acting and you REALLY can have her as a sure thing. High five!

Purple Giraffe

Season 1, Episode 2
Sept 26, 2005

Tonight I was at my friend Ted's party (I know what you're thinking: Who is this annoying Ted guy and why does he keep interrupting Barney's awesome thoughts?) and I tried to enlighten him to the following

Statistic: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again.

It is true. This usually comes in handy for hooking up with some hot cutlet and never seeing her again...unless your host decides to repeat the party. Then you need to get creative.

If you don't want to deal with the affections of a tenderloin after you have tenderized it (high five!) then immediately tell her "I think I'm falling in love with you." Bingo, you are free to grill another meat.

You can thank me later.