Do I Know You?

Season 4, Episode 1
September 22, 2008

High five! I think I have just kicked this nasty little habit I developed and I am back on the “sleeping with everything that moves” wagon! Alright! High five!

I admit, my lonely and pathetic readers, I did slip for a moment. I slipped right off the sleeping around wagon and fell right into the “oh, my Barney! I think I love her” mud puddle. But, like any self respecting man (and I do mean MAN) I brushed off my suit, had it dry cleaned and pressed, then used its well-tailored charms to work my way back into the good graces of man many women everywhere.

How did I overcome my tragic dose of feelings? I remembered this, my dear friends:
Why I Like Bimbos, Part 1
1. They make me happy
2. They make me feel alive
3. They make me want to pretend to be a better man
4. They are confused
5. They have vacant, trusting stares
6. They have sluggish, unencumbered minds
7. They have daddy issues
8. They love me, or at least whoever I tell them “me” is
9. They are always there for me, you can always find one around
10. You can usually find one in a thin crust style
11. They make me feel even smarter than I normally do
12. They always have hydrogen peroxide in their cupboards, so if you get a cut, it’s safe to be with one of them
13. Their mouths usually hang open anyways
14. They always let you win at chess…or go fish…or chutes and ladders. And maybe the term isn’t “let you win…”
15. They aren’t Robin
Wait, Say what? How did that get in there?
More reasons I love BIMBOS (and not Robin, because clearly I do NOT love her) are to come…

Mary the Paralegal

Season 1 Episode 19
April 24, 2006

What. Up.

You know why I love awards ceremonies? Cuz everyone suits up. Except the ladies. They take off the suits and put on the tiny dresses. I love awards ceremonies. My friend Robin just won a Local Area Media Award, and I set my friend Ted up with a date for the evening.

Now, was Ted's blind date, who I got for him to make Robin jealous and make Ted a man:
a. a prostitute
b. a paralegal
c. actually a dude

Despite what Ted thought, she was REALLY a paralegal. Wouldn't have been too surprising if she wasn't since, statistic: 1 out of 8 women in America is a prostitute. It's true.

Lesson learned from the night though: treat every woman as if she is a sure thing and you know you can have her, and you can have her. Unless you are me. Then you aren't acting and you REALLY can have her as a sure thing. High five!

Zip, Zip, Zip

Season 1, Episode 14
February 6, 2006

This weekend was filled with ups and downs here at the fortress of Barnitude. My friend Ted (really, I don;t get why I feel the need to write about this dude. He doesn't even wear suits) got himself a girlfriend. next thing I know, he abandons me for a little cupcake. No, for once that wasn't sexual, she is a baker and he is litterally abandoning me for cupcakes. Well, and the nasty.

Point being, I was super low, realizing I was al alone this weekend.

Down- Ted left me for a girl who actually uses whipped cream for its intended purpose.

Up- Then our friend Robbin said she would come with me for my bro'ings on about town.

Down- Robin is Canadian.

Up- She is smoking hot and even better when she (wait for it) suited up! Yes ladies, you too can suit up with positive results! So Robin and I had a great time being bro's. I even almost got her to hook up with a lesbian! Oh ya! High Five!

Down- when I birthday suited up at Robin's request, I discovered that "playing battleship" is only a euphemism in the good ol' US of A, since this Canadian chick actually...get this...wanted to play battle ship. Left my little, scratch that, BIG Barney cold and sunk.

Up- I'm me and I'm awesome and legen-dary. Done.

True Story- So after I left Robin, who claims she has "feelings" for Ted (gag me, right?) I stopped to comfort this poor girl who was crying on the stoop of the apartment building next door. Until I kicked her out of my bed at about 3 in the morning, she was looking very comfortable! Ya, I'm real down about Robin. Ha.

Barnacle out!

Pilot

Season 1, Episode 1
Sept 19, 2005

Say whaaaaat? Today is a lesson on attire. Lesson 1: Wear a suit. This is crucial. Lesson 2: Don't have facial hair, it doesn't work with your suit. Lesson 3: Don't get tattoos. They don't work with your suit either (we will get to this at a later date).

For now, let us focus on your suit. My friend Ted realized first hand the power of the well-tailored chick-magnet this evening when a hot tamale gave him "the signal"...all thanks to his suit. You can thank me later, Ted. From now on, SUIT UP!

Lesson learned: suits save your life. True story: after trying to save a kitten from drowning in the Hudson, I found myself being overpowered by the water. This hot lifeguard started walking by. She saw me in my Armani, and next thing you know, she was giving me more than mouth to mouth. High five!