Mary the Paralegal

Season 1 Episode 19
April 24, 2006

What. Up.

You know why I love awards ceremonies? Cuz everyone suits up. Except the ladies. They take off the suits and put on the tiny dresses. I love awards ceremonies. My friend Robin just won a Local Area Media Award, and I set my friend Ted up with a date for the evening.

Now, was Ted's blind date, who I got for him to make Robin jealous and make Ted a man:
a. a prostitute
b. a paralegal
c. actually a dude

Despite what Ted thought, she was REALLY a paralegal. Wouldn't have been too surprising if she wasn't since, statistic: 1 out of 8 women in America is a prostitute. It's true.

Lesson learned from the night though: treat every woman as if she is a sure thing and you know you can have her, and you can have her. Unless you are me. Then you aren't acting and you REALLY can have her as a sure thing. High five!

Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.

Season 1, Episode 18
April 10, 2006

Word! Sorry it has been so long since I last left you with my words of wisdom, but, you know how it is, girls just BEGGING to show the Barnsicle a good time. Whatevs. I'm sure you found something great to entertain yourselves, What's that? You didn't? You were alone, miserable and boring without me....ya, I kinda saw that coming.

Last night I got to show my friend Marshall and his wife Lily that nothing good happens BEFORE 2 AM. Nothing legendary can occur if you stop the occurrings at the le...and never get to the gen- the de- the airy! I think Lily now realizes this fact since, after 2 AM we had the night. What night?

Remember that night Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards? Ya...THAT night.