Friday, February 22, 2008

Life Among the Gorillas

Season 1, Episode 17
March 20, 2006


Steak Sauce: Phenomenal, top-notch. Etymology: Derived from the dominance of steak sauce brand A-1.
Conform: To learn to fit in and make friends. To not conform is to be dismissed and rejected.

This is going to be legen-wait for it-dary! My awesome friend Marshall started working in our legal department here at work today. I had to take some time to incorporate him into the corporate atmosphere, but I think he's getting it now. At first he didn't even know the above definitions. Duh. Where is he from? Canada?

He also didn't get the office bonding ritual of "who would you rather...go!" Oh, you're not awesome enough to have heard of it? Here, try this one on.

It's snowing outside, and you are sitting warm near your fireplace on your bear skin rug. Knocky Knocky, your front doors a rocky when Jennifer Anniston asks to come in from the cold, and body heat is the only answer. Just as you are about to let her in, your back door starts pounding cuz jennifer Love Hewitt wants in too. Ohh, 2 Jennifers, 1 rug. What do you do? Go!

Wrong Answers: I don’t have a bear skin rug, I don't have a back door, I’m engaged, We’re still engaged, They need to wait while I run to the store for some "rain coats."
Acceptable answers: That girl from Friends, The Hottie who only LOOKS like jail bait, Both, Oh that's so boring cuz I had Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner last week, I would call Barney and let him have his awesomeness with both of them.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Zip, Zip, Zip

Season 1, Episode 14
February 6, 2006

This weekend was filled with ups and downs here at the fortress of Barnitude. My friend Ted (really, I don;t get why I feel the need to write about this dude. He doesn't even wear suits) got himself a girlfriend. next thing I know, he abandons me for a little cupcake. No, for once that wasn't sexual, she is a baker and he is litterally abandoning me for cupcakes. Well, and the nasty.

Point being, I was super low, realizing I was al alone this weekend.

Down- Ted left me for a girl who actually uses whipped cream for its intended purpose.

Up- Then our friend Robbin said she would come with me for my bro'ings on about town.

Down- Robin is Canadian.

Up- She is smoking hot and even better when she (wait for it) suited up! Yes ladies, you too can suit up with positive results! So Robin and I had a great time being bro's. I even almost got her to hook up with a lesbian! Oh ya! High Five!

Down- when I birthday suited up at Robin's request, I discovered that "playing battleship" is only a euphemism in the good ol' US of A, since this Canadian chick actually...get this...wanted to play battle ship. Left my little, scratch that, BIG Barney cold and sunk.

Up- I'm me and I'm awesome and legen-dary. Done.

True Story- So after I left Robin, who claims she has "feelings" for Ted (gag me, right?) I stopped to comfort this poor girl who was crying on the stoop of the apartment building next door. Until I kicked her out of my bed at about 3 in the morning, she was looking very comfortable! Ya, I'm real down about Robin. Ha.

Barnacle out!

The Duel

Season 1, Episode 8
November 14, 2005

My Dear Hotties and (Not So) Competition:
I henceforth declare the following- From this moment on, there shall exists in the world of dating and mating a Lemon Law, which for copyright purposes shall be dubbed "The Barney Law."

It shall opperate on the following conditions: all persons involved in a mutually decided upon date have exactly 5 minutes from the moment of meeting to decide if the date will procede for the rest of the night or not. Within the first five minutes of coming together (high five!) either party can call the date off for any reason.

Thus signed,
Your Minister of Pimp
Barney Stinson

Yeah, you read it right. I intelligently and dutifully created the dating lemon law. I was just so sick of ending up spending time and money on uglies, prudes, dudes dressed at chicks and, worst of all, old chicks. In the first week of its creation I was able to use it twice, and...get this...had it used on me! It is working, pass it on.

Now, you may say "But Barney, I don't want someone Barney Lawing me. How could you take it?"

Easy. The chick who used it on me did so because I called her Jackie OOOOHHHH YESS! Clearly she did not recognize the wonderful humor in it because she didn't understand the pure ecstasy, since I would have been the first man who could have made her say it. Oh well, it teaches you to use the law with caution!

As for you being rejected...well you probably suck and aren't cool like me. Expect to have the law used against you. In time you will learn to be dead inside and not care.

Barney Law on, my followers!


Season 1, Episode 7

November 7, 2005


Ted-out: to overthink. See also "Ted-up".

Ted-up: to overthink with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he analyzed Tina's fluttering eyes to mean she wanted to make out. In fact, Tina had accidentally put in her boyfriend, the far-sighted quarterback's, contacts"

Okay Awesome

Season 1, Episode 5

October 17, 2005

The 24 Similarities Between Women and Fish

1. Both attracted to shiny objects

2. More fun to catch while drinking

3. Neither travel well, so best just to leave them

4. There's others in the sea and/or bar

5. Three words: catch and release

6. They can't go anywhere without their group

7. They just KEEP going to the bathroom

8. Easier to catch the weak ones (like going for two 4s instead of an 8)

9. They are oddly attracted to color

10. They want their mates to be big and strong

11. They get pissy if you grab their tail

12. Untrained dogs just don't know how to properly catch or handle them

13. Both wild and farm raised have their benefits

14. When in the right establishment, you can choose the one you want from those behind the glass.

15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first

16. They keep opening their mouths, but nothing important comes out

17. They will suck up anything you drop infront of their mouths (High five!)

18. Neither can operate a vehicle

19. They both eat wierd green stuff like seaweed

20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life

21. They want the pretty plastic castle with a white picket fence

22. They never have to buy drinks

23. They both only care about their eggs

24. Can hook either with a great line

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Sweet Taste of Liberty

Season 1, Episode 3
October 3, 2005

As I had to explain to my dear friend Ted the other day, sometimes you have to take action in order to get action. The cornucopia of fun does not go to those who do not try to pick the fruits. Please, remember this the next time you go to McClaren's (or whatever your normal dive is): Chicks dig the unkown. Do something new and be the unkown. Get your Happiness, whether it be a 21 year old in a mini skirt or a lick of a large oxidized bell.

"Look, our forefathers died for the 'pursuit of happiness,' okay? Not for the 'sit around and wait of happiness.' Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it."

Beautiful, no?

Purple Giraffe

Season 1, Episode 2
Sept 26, 2005

Tonight I was at my friend Ted's party (I know what you're thinking: Who is this annoying Ted guy and why does he keep interrupting Barney's awesome thoughts?) and I tried to enlighten him to the following

Statistic: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again.

It is true. This usually comes in handy for hooking up with some hot cutlet and never seeing her again...unless your host decides to repeat the party. Then you need to get creative.

If you don't want to deal with the affections of a tenderloin after you have tenderized it (high five!) then immediately tell her "I think I'm falling in love with you." Bingo, you are free to grill another meat.

You can thank me later.


Season 1, Episode 1
Sept 19, 2005

Say whaaaaat? Today is a lesson on attire. Lesson 1: Wear a suit. This is crucial. Lesson 2: Don't have facial hair, it doesn't work with your suit. Lesson 3: Don't get tattoos. They don't work with your suit either (we will get to this at a later date).

For now, let us focus on your suit. My friend Ted realized first hand the power of the well-tailored chick-magnet this evening when a hot tamale gave him "the signal"...all thanks to his suit. You can thank me later, Ted. From now on, SUIT UP!

Lesson learned: suits save your life. True story: after trying to save a kitten from drowning in the Hudson, I found myself being overpowered by the water. This hot lifeguard started walking by. She saw me in my Armani, and next thing you know, she was giving me more than mouth to mouth. High five!