Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.

Season 1, Episode 18
April 10, 2006

Word! Sorry it has been so long since I last left you with my words of wisdom, but, you know how it is, girls just BEGGING to show the Barnsicle a good time. Whatevs. I'm sure you found something great to entertain yourselves, What's that? You didn't? You were alone, miserable and boring without me....ya, I kinda saw that coming.

Last night I got to show my friend Marshall and his wife Lily that nothing good happens BEFORE 2 AM. Nothing legendary can occur if you stop the occurrings at the le...and never get to the gen- the de- the airy! I think Lily now realizes this fact since, after 2 AM we had the night. What night?

Remember that night Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards? Ya...THAT night.

Life Among the Gorillas

Season 1, Episode 17
March 20, 2006

Definitions

Steak Sauce: Phenomenal, top-notch. Etymology: Derived from the dominance of steak sauce brand A-1.
Conform: To learn to fit in and make friends. To not conform is to be dismissed and rejected.


This is going to be legen-wait for it-dary! My awesome friend Marshall started working in our legal department here at work today. I had to take some time to incorporate him into the corporate atmosphere, but I think he's getting it now. At first he didn't even know the above definitions. Duh. Where is he from? Canada?

He also didn't get the office bonding ritual of "who would you rather...go!" Oh, you're not awesome enough to have heard of it? Here, try this one on.

It's snowing outside, and you are sitting warm near your fireplace on your bear skin rug. Knocky Knocky, your front doors a rocky when Jennifer Anniston asks to come in from the cold, and body heat is the only answer. Just as you are about to let her in, your back door starts pounding cuz jennifer Love Hewitt wants in too. Ohh, 2 Jennifers, 1 rug. What do you do? Go!

Wrong Answers: I don’t have a bear skin rug, I don't have a back door, I’m engaged, We’re still engaged, They need to wait while I run to the store for some "rain coats."
Acceptable answers: That girl from Friends, The Hottie who only LOOKS like jail bait, Both, Oh that's so boring cuz I had Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner last week, I would call Barney and let him have his awesomeness with both of them.

Zip, Zip, Zip

Season 1, Episode 14
February 6, 2006

This weekend was filled with ups and downs here at the fortress of Barnitude. My friend Ted (really, I don;t get why I feel the need to write about this dude. He doesn't even wear suits) got himself a girlfriend. next thing I know, he abandons me for a little cupcake. No, for once that wasn't sexual, she is a baker and he is litterally abandoning me for cupcakes. Well, and the nasty.

Point being, I was super low, realizing I was al alone this weekend.

Down- Ted left me for a girl who actually uses whipped cream for its intended purpose.

Up- Then our friend Robbin said she would come with me for my bro'ings on about town.

Down- Robin is Canadian.

Up- She is smoking hot and even better when she (wait for it) suited up! Yes ladies, you too can suit up with positive results! So Robin and I had a great time being bro's. I even almost got her to hook up with a lesbian! Oh ya! High Five!

Down- when I birthday suited up at Robin's request, I discovered that "playing battleship" is only a euphemism in the good ol' US of A, since this Canadian chick actually...get this...wanted to play battle ship. Left my little, scratch that, BIG Barney cold and sunk.

Up- I'm me and I'm awesome and legen-dary. Done.

True Story- So after I left Robin, who claims she has "feelings" for Ted (gag me, right?) I stopped to comfort this poor girl who was crying on the stoop of the apartment building next door. Until I kicked her out of my bed at about 3 in the morning, she was looking very comfortable! Ya, I'm real down about Robin. Ha.

Barnacle out!