Zip, Zip, Zip

Season 1, Episode 14
February 6, 2006

This weekend was filled with ups and downs here at the fortress of Barnitude. My friend Ted (really, I don;t get why I feel the need to write about this dude. He doesn't even wear suits) got himself a girlfriend. next thing I know, he abandons me for a little cupcake. No, for once that wasn't sexual, she is a baker and he is litterally abandoning me for cupcakes. Well, and the nasty.

Point being, I was super low, realizing I was al alone this weekend.

Down- Ted left me for a girl who actually uses whipped cream for its intended purpose.

Up- Then our friend Robbin said she would come with me for my bro'ings on about town.

Down- Robin is Canadian.

Up- She is smoking hot and even better when she (wait for it) suited up! Yes ladies, you too can suit up with positive results! So Robin and I had a great time being bro's. I even almost got her to hook up with a lesbian! Oh ya! High Five!

Down- when I birthday suited up at Robin's request, I discovered that "playing battleship" is only a euphemism in the good ol' US of A, since this Canadian chick actually...get this...wanted to play battle ship. Left my little, scratch that, BIG Barney cold and sunk.

Up- I'm me and I'm awesome and legen-dary. Done.

True Story- So after I left Robin, who claims she has "feelings" for Ted (gag me, right?) I stopped to comfort this poor girl who was crying on the stoop of the apartment building next door. Until I kicked her out of my bed at about 3 in the morning, she was looking very comfortable! Ya, I'm real down about Robin. Ha.

Barnacle out!

Pilot

Season 1, Episode 1
Sept 19, 2005

Say whaaaaat? Today is a lesson on attire. Lesson 1: Wear a suit. This is crucial. Lesson 2: Don't have facial hair, it doesn't work with your suit. Lesson 3: Don't get tattoos. They don't work with your suit either (we will get to this at a later date).

For now, let us focus on your suit. My friend Ted realized first hand the power of the well-tailored chick-magnet this evening when a hot tamale gave him "the signal"...all thanks to his suit. You can thank me later, Ted. From now on, SUIT UP!

Lesson learned: suits save your life. True story: after trying to save a kitten from drowning in the Hudson, I found myself being overpowered by the water. This hot lifeguard started walking by. She saw me in my Armani, and next thing you know, she was giving me more than mouth to mouth. High five!