Season 1, Episode 5
October 17, 2005
The 24 Similarities Between Women and Fish
1. Both attracted to shiny objects
2. More fun to catch while drinking
3. Neither travel well, so best just to leave them
4. There's others in the sea and/or bar
5. Three words: catch and release
6. They can't go anywhere without their group
7. They just KEEP going to the bathroom
8. Easier to catch the weak ones (like going for two 4s instead of an 8)
9. They are oddly attracted to color
10. They want their mates to be big and strong
11. They get pissy if you grab their tail
12. Untrained dogs just don't know how to properly catch or handle them
13. Both wild and farm raised have their benefits
14. When in the right establishment, you can choose the one you want from those behind the glass.
15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first
16. They keep opening their mouths, but nothing important comes out
17. They will suck up anything you drop infront of their mouths (High five!)
18. Neither can operate a vehicle
19. They both eat wierd green stuff like seaweed
20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life
21. They want the pretty plastic castle with a white picket fence
22. They never have to buy drinks
23. They both only care about their eggs
24. Can hook either with a great line
Friday, February 15, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Sweet Taste of Liberty
Season 1, Episode 3
October 3, 2005
As I had to explain to my dear friend Ted the other day, sometimes you have to take action in order to get action. The cornucopia of fun does not go to those who do not try to pick the fruits. Please, remember this the next time you go to McClaren's (or whatever your normal dive is): Chicks dig the unkown. Do something new and be the unkown. Get your Happiness, whether it be a 21 year old in a mini skirt or a lick of a large oxidized bell.
"Look, our forefathers died for the 'pursuit of happiness,' okay? Not for the 'sit around and wait of happiness.' Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it."
Beautiful, no?
October 3, 2005
As I had to explain to my dear friend Ted the other day, sometimes you have to take action in order to get action. The cornucopia of fun does not go to those who do not try to pick the fruits. Please, remember this the next time you go to McClaren's (or whatever your normal dive is): Chicks dig the unkown. Do something new and be the unkown. Get your Happiness, whether it be a 21 year old in a mini skirt or a lick of a large oxidized bell.
"Look, our forefathers died for the 'pursuit of happiness,' okay? Not for the 'sit around and wait of happiness.' Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it."
Beautiful, no?
Purple Giraffe
Season 1, Episode 2
Sept 26, 2005
Tonight I was at my friend Ted's party (I know what you're thinking: Who is this annoying Ted guy and why does he keep interrupting Barney's awesome thoughts?) and I tried to enlighten him to the following
Statistic: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again.
It is true. This usually comes in handy for hooking up with some hot cutlet and never seeing her again...unless your host decides to repeat the party. Then you need to get creative.
If you don't want to deal with the affections of a tenderloin after you have tenderized it (high five!) then immediately tell her "I think I'm falling in love with you." Bingo, you are free to grill another meat.
You can thank me later.
Sept 26, 2005
Tonight I was at my friend Ted's party (I know what you're thinking: Who is this annoying Ted guy and why does he keep interrupting Barney's awesome thoughts?) and I tried to enlighten him to the following
Statistic: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again.
It is true. This usually comes in handy for hooking up with some hot cutlet and never seeing her again...unless your host decides to repeat the party. Then you need to get creative.
If you don't want to deal with the affections of a tenderloin after you have tenderized it (high five!) then immediately tell her "I think I'm falling in love with you." Bingo, you are free to grill another meat.
You can thank me later.
Pilot
Season 1, Episode 1
Sept 19, 2005
Say whaaaaat? Today is a lesson on attire. Lesson 1: Wear a suit. This is crucial. Lesson 2: Don't have facial hair, it doesn't work with your suit. Lesson 3: Don't get tattoos. They don't work with your suit either (we will get to this at a later date).
For now, let us focus on your suit. My friend Ted realized first hand the power of the well-tailored chick-magnet this evening when a hot tamale gave him "the signal"...all thanks to his suit. You can thank me later, Ted. From now on, SUIT UP!
Lesson learned: suits save your life. True story: after trying to save a kitten from drowning in the Hudson, I found myself being overpowered by the water. This hot lifeguard started walking by. She saw me in my Armani, and next thing you know, she was giving me more than mouth to mouth. High five!
Sept 19, 2005
Say whaaaaat? Today is a lesson on attire. Lesson 1: Wear a suit. This is crucial. Lesson 2: Don't have facial hair, it doesn't work with your suit. Lesson 3: Don't get tattoos. They don't work with your suit either (we will get to this at a later date).
For now, let us focus on your suit. My friend Ted realized first hand the power of the well-tailored chick-magnet this evening when a hot tamale gave him "the signal"...all thanks to his suit. You can thank me later, Ted. From now on, SUIT UP!
Lesson learned: suits save your life. True story: after trying to save a kitten from drowning in the Hudson, I found myself being overpowered by the water. This hot lifeguard started walking by. She saw me in my Armani, and next thing you know, she was giving me more than mouth to mouth. High five!
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